"It Was The Best of Times ... Oh No It Wasn't"

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"'If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where all these profits came from, and why all these acquisitions went sour, what our net income is, and why WorldCom stock prices are in the toilet, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. In the first place, that stuff bores me. . ." So begins the opening paragraph of the winning submission in the "Best Fictional Earnings Release Contest," sponsored by Gregory FCA, an investor and public relations firm, based in Ardmore, PA. The winning author, Judy Parr, a publications engineer for a computer company, of Westerville, OH, won the $500 first prize for her essay seemingly written by former WorldCom CEO Bernard Ebbers in the words of J.D. Salinger. "Some contestants would surely have benefited more if they had entered a literature contest where the judges were more, well, literate. Cervantes, for instance, was referred to as 'the windmill guy'. Joyce, just like college, was 'too hard' and Nikolai Gogol, though a terrific entry, was heretofore unread by anyone at the table," Gregory FCA President Greg Matusky said. "And Nietzsche in a Form 10 K, while wonderful, wasn't the right length or format, but definitely worth hanging on to."